How to Make a combination Monkey’s Paw & Hand of Glory
This invention represents a hybrid fusion of two legendary talismans:
- The “Monkey’s Paw,” from an early 20th century ghost story about a simian appendage from the Orient which could be called upon to grant three (disastrously literal) wishes
- The “Hand of Glory,” a grisly charm made from the severed hand of an executed criminal and used to hold special candles made out of human fat. In the medieval era, the “Hand of Glory” was relied on by burglars to keep unwitting homeowners in an enchanted slumber whose spell could only be broken if the candle went out.
Enough background, here’s how to build it:
- Get one of those cheap glass-enclosed candles from the corner store, not the tall ones but the ones that are only 4” or so. Burn as needed and then wash it out when it’s empty.
- Put your name paper in the bottom and around your own name write one of the Psalms for getting money in continuous, unbroken cursive script; I used Psalm 4, since that also works for sleep.
- Add twelve lucky hand roots to the bottom of the glass container but don’t forget to rap them three times on a tabletop, spray them with whiskey and breath life into them first.
- Once the lucky hand roots have settled, add a fistful of five-finger grass using the same procedure.
- The jar should now be about 2/3 full. Go online and order a small “Monkey’s paw” from a shop called “the Dapper Cadaver” (google it); it’s not an actual monkey’s hand as far as I can tell, but it has a prehensile thumb, so close enough.
- Melt 4 oz or so of beeswax and, balancing the hand so that it is standing upright on it’s wrist inside the rim jar and on top of the pile of roots and herbs, slowly pour in the hot liquid. You may have to hold the hand for a few minutes to keep it standing up straight, the idea being that it’s reaching upwards out of the glass as though it were grasping for something
- While the wax has hardened, anoint the hand with power oil
- Next, give the glass a nice label by wrapping it with a $2 bill; “Mod Podge Dishwasher Safe Waterbased Sealer” works perfectly for this.
If everything went smoothly, you should be left with a hairy monkey hand emerging from a money-covered jar filled with a mysterious yellow substance. If you’re dexterous, try squeezing a standard chime candle in between the paw’s thumb and first finger so it can illuminate your path while you pray Matthew 6:3-4:
But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you openly.
As a side note, keep an eye on this thing when it’s lit since once the candle burns down past a certain point, it will begin to singe monkey hair.